Edward Capriolo

Wednesday Apr 18, 2012

The Real Slim Shady - C* parody

"The real no-sql"

May I have your data please?
May I have your data please?
Will the best NoSQL db please start up?
I repeat will the best nosql solution please start up?
We're gonna have a split-brain problem here...

Yall act like you never seen Big Data before
Jaws all on the the floor like Hadoop The elephant burst in the door
Been servin request before your nosql took its first core
in YCSB some discourse, our bar charts towering over you score(AHH!)
Its the return of the.. "Ah wait, no way, your replicating"
He didn't drop what I think he did, did he?
And Dr Dobbs said... Nothing you idioms,
Dr Dobbs read, "Cassandra is your MySQL replacement"  (ha ha!)
Sensationalist tech reporters love Cassandra
[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*]
"Cassandra, im sick of it
Look at it, walking around denormalizing you-know-what,
replicating to ec2, "Yeah, but is soo cool though!"
Yea, It's probably got a couple bugs up in the patch queue,
But no worse, then whats goin on in your agile scrum room
Sometimes, I wanna get cnet and let fud loose, but can't
but its cool for someone to question CAP proof's
"My data on your disk, my data on your disk"
And it I'm lucky, you might read with some thrift.
And thats the message we deliver to college kids
And expect them not to know what eventual consistency is
Or course they gonna know what read-repair is,
by the time they hit the deployment stage,
they hang on the IRC dont they?
"We aint nothing but mammals.." Well, some of us cannibals
who rip solandra up like cantaloupes
Then theres no reason Java and C code can't cope
[*ewww!*] But if your 95th is hurt, I got the antidote
Others send your twitter firehose, install the Cassandra package and it goes

Cause I'm NoSQL , yes I'm the real NoSQL,
all your other noSQLs are just imitating,
So won't the real NoSQL please start up,
Please start up, please start up.


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